Why Siblings Cope with Trauma in Different Ways
In families where complex trauma is present, siblings often take on distinct roles. These differences help them navigate the chaos and instability of their environment. These roles typically emerge to maintain balance in an unpredictable household and are often shaped by how parental figures cope, or their lack of coping. When caregivers are emotionally unavailable, struggling with their own trauma, or inconsistent in their parenting, children instinctively adapt to ensure their emotional and physical survival. It's seen often that one sibling may take on the role of the responsible, parentified child, while another expresses distress more openly through anger, defiance, or emotional dysregulation. These adaptations are not conscious choices but rather survival strategies, influenced by factors such as birth order, temperament, and the expectations placed on them by their parental figures.
The Parentified Child: The Caretaker
The parentified child steps up in ways beyond their developmental capacity. They may take care of younger siblings, emotionally regulate their parents, or become the problem-solver of the family. This role is often taken on out of necessity rather than choice. Children learn early on that their worth is tied to their ability to be helpful, strong, and self-sufficient. As adults, these individuals may struggle with setting boundaries, allowing themselves to ask for help, or acknowledging their own emotional needs. Many grow into highly competent professionals, caregivers, or leaders but may experience burnout, chronic anxiety, or difficulties trusting others to support them.
The Scapegoated Child: The Expressed Distress
On the other hand, the sibling who exhibits anger, defiance, or self-destructive behaviors often becomes the scapegoat within the family. They are often seen absorbing and expressing the distress of the system. This sibling might experience more externalized struggles, such as difficulties with emotional regulation, impulsivity, or engaging in risky behaviors. They may be unfairly blamed for family tensions or treated as the source of dysfunction even though their behaviors are often a reflection of deeper family wounds. Unlike the parentified child, they may not have received praise for their coping mechanisms but instead were labeled as "difficult" or "problematic." In adulthood, they may struggle with shame, feeling like the "black sheep," or believing they are inherently flawed.
The Long-Term Impact on Sibling Relationships
These roles often develop due to unspoken family dynamics. Caregivers, overwhelmed by their own trauma or dysfunction, may unconsciously assign these roles to their children. The responsible child relieves some of their burden, while the other sibling provides a space for expressing the family’s unprocessed emotions. These roles can create lasting wounds, reinforcing feelings of resentment, guilt, or even competition between siblings. Additionally, these roles can be reinforced by external perceptions. Extended family, teachers, and even therapists may unknowingly label one child as "the strong one" and the other as "the troubled one," making it harder for siblings to break free from these patterns.
These dynamics often persist into adulthood, shaping how siblings relate to each other. The parentified child may feel frustrated by their sibling's perceived lack of accountability, while the struggling sibling may resent the responsible one for seeming emotionally distant or judgmental. In some cases, these tensions lead to estrangement, while in others, they create a fragile, unspoken contract where both continue playing their roles.
Breaking the Cycle
Healing sibling relationships often requires open conversations, a willingness to see each other outside of childhood roles, and mutual acknowledgment of how the family system shaped them differently. Trauma therapy approaches such as EMDR, ketamine-assisted psychotherapy, and holistic trauma therapy can support this healing process and help to navigate these deep-rooted dynamics.
Recognizing these patterns is an essential step toward healing. Both siblings carry wounds from these roles. On one hand, you have the caretaker who never learned to be cared for. On the other, you have the struggling sibling who may feel misunderstood or overlooked. Therapy, self-reflection, and intentional boundary-setting can help both individuals reclaim their authentic selves, moving beyond the survival strategies that once kept them safe.
One thing is true for both - your worth is not tied to your responsibilities or your struggles and you are more than the role you were assigned. You deserve to step into a life where you are seen, valued, and allowed to grow beyond survival. Through holistic trauma therapy, there are paths to healing.
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Feelings Forward Wellness provides holistic treatment for trauma that supports the healing of mind, body, spirit, and community. Through offerings of trauma psychotherapy, psychedelic-assisted therapy, and somatic healing, FFW aims to provide effective and culturally responsive mental health treatment for those continuing to struggle with the after-effects of trauma and PTSD.
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